Chop Suey

Two Thumbs Up!

FOUR STARS!

Six Golden Popcorn Buckets Out of Ten!

What? No. Why the need to assign some kind of ridiculous scale system? I think those are flawed so I don’t do it. I don’t like them and there are just too many variables involved.

One of my favorite movies is John Carpenter’s “Big Trouble in Little China”. Have you seen it? <crickets chirping> Heard of it?... Right, well it’s the best movie from 1986 starring Kurt Russell about Asian mysticism, kung-fu fighting, guys flying on lightning bolts, and rescue the princess type fantasy. FOUR STARS!

But, I’ve also seen director Mark Herman’s holocaust drama “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” which is one of the most emotionally draining films on the subject I’ve ever seen. What a sad, haunting, hard hitting film. FOUR STARS!

Do you see the problem?

I also love the movie “Iron Eagle” but to put it lightly, it’s a piece of shit. FOUR STARS!

Oh my, Coupon Suzy!

This isn't really movie related but, have you seen the commercial starring "Coupon Suzy"? I think it's for a website or something. I don't really know because I can't stop staring at her ridiculously huge chest in her tight, awful green shirt to really pay attention.

After seeing it a few more times, I have it figured out though. Suzy is selling a bra that allows women to up their cup size while also storing money saving coupons. This advanced padded bra technology allows the breast-challenged females of the world a way to feel valued while also providing budget saving values. Genius!

What woman wouldn't want to go through the day feeling self-confident and ogled while storing "buy two, get one free" goodies on one boob and being gently comforted by the Gorton Fisherman and his promise of fifty cents off two boxes of fish planks under the other?

Kudos! (btw Suzy, which tit has the coupon for those?)

Return of the, aw whatever...

I wonder if the Emperor's dad
helped him rebuild it?

Okay, I'm back. After the little water "mishap" in the basement last month, we are well on our way to having things all fixed up and redone. More reviews will follow soon. What a disappointment the whole thing was though. Still, it's kind of like what happened to the Death Star in the original (and best) Star Wars movie.

Sure, it was a great space station. I'm sure the Emperor put alot of thought into just what he wanted and how things should look on his giant orb of doom. The perfect shade of gray, giant laser, docking bays out the ass, trash compactors... green light that shit! I'm sure he was all like, "Hell yes, this thing is ready! Blow up Alderaan!" 

Who can blame him for being excited?

Well, he forgot about that little exhaust port on the ass end of the thing and look what happened. Luke flies down the trench, fires a couple of proton torpedoes and just like a Kurt Cobain shotgun blast, KA-BLAM!, the whole thing was over. Now substitute the Death Star with my basement and a couple of faulty sump pumps for proton torpedoes, and you end up with my original basement out of commission. Bummer.



The guy on the left. WTF?

So now, just like the Empire, I'm rebuilding. No, it won't be radically different but things have been redone with little safeguards here and there. I'm hoping we get a much better go of things this time around. At least until another weakness is found and Billy Dee and vagina face decide to blow my shit up.

The Train That Couldn't Slow Down

Unstoppable (2010) starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pine.

I thnk the term "popcorn movie" sums it up pretty well. It's big, loud, and it keeps you entertained for 98 minutes.

Anybody want a peanut?

The Princess Bride (1987) starring Cary Elwes, Robin Wright & Andre the Giant.

Who doesn't love this movie? My first viewing was a library-borrowed VHS tape on a snow day home from school. It's been a favorite ever since.

Sarah Gets A Netflix Movie

Life As We Know It (2010) starring Katherine Heigl and the guy from "Transformers" (No, the other guy.)

Two people who couldn't be any different are put together under unusual circumstances and end up happy together. (Let's face it, this is also the basic story to every movie Matthew McConaughey has made in the last six years.)

I laughed, Sarah cried, people looked pretty. End of story.

Remake Of Swedish Original

Let Me In (2010) starring incredibly good kid actors.

Ugh...not another vampire movie, right? Wrong! This movie has actually stuck with me days after watching it. Not because of the story but because of the "mood" of the film. There's a couple of great sequences of tension too. It wasn't perfect but if I'm still thinking about it two or three days later...  I liked it!

Hold on to your butts



FACT: When I saw this movie in the
theater, I had a UTI.

Jurassic Park (1993) starring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern.

So my question is, "If Raptors are so dangerous, why keep breeding them?" Yeah yeah, I know, scientific reasearch and such. But you have them penned up separate from other dinos, they are dangerous to transport and have killed park workers... what gives? Just move on.

Also, what's with the giant chasm that magically appears after the T-Rex attacks the tour cars? First the ground is even with the cage wall and moments later there's a 100 foot drop? I call bullshit, Mr. Spielberg.

Greed is still okay

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010) starring Shia LaBeouf and Michael Douglas.

Another helping of sleezy financial hooligans. This time it's about the 2008 Wall Street collapse. Good thing we are all recovered from that and sitting pretty since then, thanks to sweeping change and help from our governme... oh, nevermind.

Greed is okay

Wall Street (1987) starring Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen.

I've never wanted to watch this movie. Ever. Now having finally seen it, I can say it was actually pretty good. It was also nice to see Charlie Sheen again when he was young and not batshit crazy.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Dick Jokes

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) starring Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox.

Even the director, Michael Bay, apologized for this movie. I don't think it's the best movie ever made either but for a movie about giant fighting robots, it gets the job done. I still don't know what the hell they were thinking when Shia goes to Transformer heaven though. Huh?

... dogs and cats, living together... mass hysteria!

Ghostbusters (1984) starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd & Sigourney Weaver.

I saw this movie in the theater as a child. Every time I watch this movie I remember the mentally challenged person in the audience with us. Towards the end, when they are digging Sigourney Weaver out of her crispy dog carcass, the handi-capable guy yelled, "It's a woman!" Is that funny to you? Probably not, but I don't care.

What's in the box?!?

Buried (2010) starring Ryan Reynolds.

Buried, aka, where this movie would be in my collection if I owned it. Fortunately it was a Netflix disc... This was definitely one of those films where the idea was better than the actual movie. Critics liked it though, so whatever.

Read a book, Holmes

Sherlock Holmes (2009) starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law.

Fun movie, bring on the sequel. My favorite part was when Holmes solved a mystery.

If it bleeds, we can kill it

FACT: Every actor in this movie
moved on to a career in politics.

Predator (1987) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why is it that when the giant 7 foot space alien with a shoulder mounted laser cannon shoots "a guy" the guy explodes or loses limbs but when the alien shoots Arnold the laser leaves only a scorch mark and disorientation?

I call bullshit. Good movie though. 

The last stand... until the next one

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) starring Hugh Jackman and Ian McKellen.

So part three of the X-Man movies... Now there's a medical cure for mutants. Depending on what my mutant powers were I'm pretty sure I'd just keep it. Like, if my power was super healing or having a big weiner I'd be great. But, if said weiner was comparable to Silly Putty or shot O'douls out of it, I'd be first in line for the cure.

Not Another Teen Cancer Movie

My Sister's Keeper (2010) starring Cameron Diaz, Abigail Breslin and Alec Baldwin.

Jason Patric plays the dad in this one and Sarah thinks he's really good looking. I'm sure she's right. Plus, he was in "Speed 2: Cruise Control".

Remake!

Clash of the Titans (2010) starring the guy from Avatar and Liam Neeson.

Hmm, I'm trying to think of something to write about this flick and I've got nothing. I remember it was entertaining enough while watching it but otherwise it's pretty forgettable.

Magic: The Gathering

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince starring every British actor alive.

I like the beginning when Harry almost scores some poon in the diner until Dumbledore totally cockblocks him. Oh well, I'm sure Harry managed his mischief alone later.

Great Scott!

Back to the Future (1985) starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd.

Why is it that Universal Studios replaced the Back to the Future ride under the excuse of it "not being culturally relevant" yet the movie is on TV practically every weekend and people still love it?

Wait, what? The ride sucked? Okay.

Cage goes in the water, you go in the water, shark's in the water...

Fact: "Jaws" won the Academy Award
for Best Movie Ever Made.

Jaws (1977) starring Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss & Robert Shaw.

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing." - Quint

What don't you f**king understand

Terminator Salvation (2009) starring Christian Bale and his Batman voice with some other people.

Lesson learned from this flick... don't get in a helicopter John Connor is flying. It WILL crash.

Do you remember

The Last Airbender (2010) starring the kid from Slumdog Millionaire and a vampire from Twilight.

The Last Airbender wasn't as bad as "they" said it was. Maybe that's because I had no prior knowledge of anything the movie is based on, who knows?

Anyway, "Benders" can control the elements while kung fu-ing people, so that's cool. You've got your various peoples of the Water Nation, Earth Nation, Fire Nation and finally the last of the Air Nation people.

When they all work together it looks a little something like this...

2 Paranormal 2 Furious

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) starring nobody you've ever heard of and a German Shepherd.

Um, yeah, this one was actually a little disturbing. I don't really have much to say other than it freaked us both out a little. It was one of those movies where... hang on... I'll finish this up in a minute, I just heard a strange sound in the attic...

Dear Home Theater, I'm sorry

Piranha 3D (2010) starring a bunch of people who should be embarrassed.

The working title of the movie was probably “Tits Doing Stuff”. Dancing tits, Underwater tits, Para-sailing tits, Cocaine tits, Piranha attacked tits... you name it.  Seriously, boobs everywhere. I guess if you’re not a fan of those you’ll be left with nothing.

p.s. - Richard Dreyfuss. WTF? What were you doing in this movie? Did you need a new car?

Julia Roberts likes spaghetti

Eat, Pray, Love (2010) starring Julia Roberts and some other people.

Eat, Pray, Love? More like Eat, Pray, LONG. How long does it really take to tell a story about a woman who eats, travels and meets people after a divorce? Two hours and twenty minutes apparently. I kind of expected Frodo and Sam to wander through the background at some point on their way to Mordor.

That said, it wasn't bad.

By the way, Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Same guy? You decide…

Do you believe in miracles?

Miracle (2004) starring Kurt Russell and some other people.

 

The movie Sarah and I saw on our first date is also the first movie we watched in our new home theater. How cute, right? It’s the story of the gold medal-winning 1980 U.S. Men’s Olympic Hockey Team, specifically “The Miracle on Ice” win against the Russians.

Although, even the U.S. Olympic win over the unbeatable Russians couldn’t end the Cold War. It would take Sylvester Stallone another 5 years to accomplish that.

An Introduction

My name is Jeff and I like movies. You probably already knew that though, so let me just say that my basement project is finished! Well, I still need to put the handrail for the stairs back up but whatever...


After what feels like 4 years of construction (but was actually only one year and a few months) my "dream" basement home theater is complete. 82" HDTV, PS3/Blu-ray player, Xbox 360, digital surround sound and a reclining theater style sofa complete with armrests and cupholders. Oh yeah, overhead lighting on remote control too because this is America and the light switch is way over there.


You did read that correctly, the TV is 82 diagonal inches of big screen goodness. Some might ask, "Why do you need a TV that huge?" Those people are morons. Just sayin'.


Now that I can finally enjoy all of the hard work it took to get here, I'm blogging about my movie watchin'. When my wife Sarah and I watch a movie, I'll post some comments about it. I'm not going to review them, that's a job for guys with writing talent and motivation. You'll see.


Let the good times roll...